Shopping Therapy
by Getsunohimesama
Summary: Kirei knew there were at least thirty-three ways this could go wrong. He just didn't think that the King of Heroes would be able to practice all thirty-three simultaneously and then add his own personal flair to it all.
**A/N: This is the result of me trying to actually learn how to do my laundry- the result of** _ **that**_ **was rather... unexpected. So, as I remain in exile in my room, scorned by all who don't appreciate my high intellect, this came to mind. So enjoy!**

"It was my understanding that all Servants receive knowledge of the modern world upon materialisation. Correct?"

"Indeed."

"You do understand that you cannot go outside like that. Right?"

The King of Heroes looked at his attire in confusion. "Why not? I suppose it may seem a bit out of place-"

"You will be arrested for indecent exposure."

"-but until I can replace the clothing Tokiomi purchased upon my request, I don't have any other choice." Gilgamesh finished with a glare.

After the end of the Fourth Holy Grail War, Gilgamesh had decided to stay in the Church with Kirei. Kirei himself thought it a better solution for the King to simply go buy himself an appartment complex and visit him, say, once a month for dinner. But that particular King wasn't someone you could kick out of your church without dire consequences, one of which would be something sharp and pointy into various places in your body. So far no real problems had risen, well, other than Gilgamesh complaining constantly about how his church was dark, dank and sinister (which coincidentally was just the way Kirei liked his churches, thank you very much) but in the last few days, the King had decided that the church had nothing more to offer him in terms of pleasures, what with the wine supply at its limit and all. As a result, he had determined that he would have to grace the unspeakably ugly modern world with his presence. Kirei didn't mind at all- in fact, he was certain that so long as nothing provoked him terribly, combined with his relatively good mood, he would be sensible and no one would end up with half a dozen Noble Phantasms pointed at them and the police asking questions he probably couldn't answer. But even so, Kirei couldn't possibly allow the King of Heroes to go out dressed like... that.

"But you _can't_ go outside like that." Kirei insisted.

"Why? It is a perfectly fine piece of cloth, far superior to whatever cheap qualities pass for decent in this era."

"It is perfectly fine, so long as you can avoid every slight gust of wind, or movement in general."

"You jest. I have seen women in less."

 _He can't be serious._ Kirei thought with a sigh. "Gilgamesh, you are wearing nothing but a chiton. A very _short, thin_ chiton that covers nothing from the navel up and the knee down. It doesn't even cover that much of what it is supposed to cover."

"Yes."

"You can't go out like that."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"But-"

"No 'buts'!"

Kirei pinched the bridge of his nose in a rare show of desperation. Despite that however, when he next spoke his voice remained its usual monotone.

"Very well. I shall offer you one of my own uniforms for the time being and you can go shopping for a new attire."

"You dare to ask of the King to lower himself to wearing your peasant clothes?"

"Just until you can buy your own!"

Gilgamesh opened his mouth to respond, but then thought it over. Even he could see common sense when it was thrust right in front of his eyes covered in neon signs. **(1)**

"Very well. I am convinced."

The priest sighed in relief and went to his room with Gilgamesh close behind. As he took out one of his uniforms and handed it over, something came to him- something horrifying and good at the same time. Good, because if his suspicions were correct he would have some morsel of control over the obnoxious blonde behind him. And horrifying because the Holy Church was facing some financial difficulties and the first to get a decrease in salary were of course those who "lived for their faith and thus had no need for earthly pleasures". Namely, the priests of the Eighth Sacrament. Kirei barely managed to get a bit over the minimum wage for his role as a Holy Grail War overseer. That was not to say that Kirei didn't make some decent profit from his congression- he was a very skilled preacher if he said so himself and he was regularly ripping off the people of Fuyuki. The poor and unfortunate didn't see much of that profit either. However, when it came to the King's tste in clothing, it was unlikely that robbing a bank would suffice to do anything more than cover the expense of one shoe. And while Kirei knew that Gilgamesh was unlikely to have any qualms going out wearing only one shoe, he found himself unable to allow it.

"King of Heroes." he started, trying to approach the issue in a way that would not offend said King. "You do have the proper currency for this era in your vault, correct?"

The King stared at him with an eyebrow raised. "You mean those flimsy papers the modern people use? Of course not. Such peasant ways of acquiring the necessities for my lifestyle are beneath me. Behold Kirei! The true capacity of the King!" he announced and with a theatrical bow several Gates appeared and golden coins rained from the ceiling. Which was all nice and well, but this wasn't going to work quite the way the King thought. Kirei picked up a coin and examined it (stuffing a handful in his pocket while Gilgamesh was busy laughing).

"You cannot buy even a gum with those, let alone clothes."

The rain of ancient Sumerian gold ceased as did the laughing. "What?"

"You will most likely get yourself arrested for illicit trade in antiquities," he glanced meaningfully at the King, "on top of indecent exposure if you don't put the shirt on as well." Kirei pointed out and Gilgamesh complied with a scowl. "You need to have the currency of this land you find yourself into Gilgamesh. Didn't you learn that when you materialised?"

"Gold's value is the same in all eras."

"It... doesn't work that way exactly."

"Oh."

"Yes."

The silence stretched for a while.

"There is a black market in this place I pressume?"

"You are not allowed to bring the mafia into this."

"As if I would ever grace such scum with my presence! Don't get too cocky with me mongrel!"

"I am sorry. But the issue remains that you cannot sell any amount of pure, ancient Sumerian gold in perfect condition or any fist-sized precious gems in the black market without a dozen men in black suits paying you a visit."

Another long, even more awkward silence. Gilgamesh sighed in frustration.

"Very well. Rejoice Kirei! In return for the gold in your pocket, you shall have the honor of paying for my purchases!" the King of Uruk declared, blatantly pleased with his generous offer.

 _So he saw that._

"There is no way I shall use your mongrel attire more than once. If you don't plan on accepting my decision, I shall be merciful and not punish you Kirei. Instead, I think I will simply change back into my own clothes." Gilgamesh said with a smirk. Kirei stared at him blankly for a while, with the King staring right back. It was the third long and uncomfortable silence today and a staring contest was a difficult thing when your opponents slitted pupils kept changing in size. As he admitted defeat with a sigh, Kirei made a mental note to cook mapo tofu for dinner tonight.

* * *

"It's all junk! Is that what passes for quality fit for a King?" Gilgamesh proclaimed in frustration. And God, was his frustration _loud._ Too loud for Kirei's tastes, especially considering they were inside the best shop the mall had to offer. Most people would pay just for breathing in front of its windows, but Gilgamesh was looking in disgust at a hand-made leather jacket (a well-over Kirei's official abilities hand-made leather jacket- thank God for Rin Tohsaka's assets), the fourth item he had rejected within the past ten minutes. The assistant glared with vicious hatred at the ancient King, but quickly settled back to the universal fake, holier-than-thou smile assistants had on their face in the presence of costumers. After the King's rude dismissal of yet another over-the-top expensive shirt however, the woman left the counter and moved with confident strides towards them.

 _Oh good. And here I thought this was going to go down smoothly._

"How may I be of assistance?"

The moment Gilgamesh turned around to glare at the woman, Kirei abandoned all hope and decided to just roll with it.

 _Besides, how much worse can this get?_

 **A/N: Oh Kirei, you silly billy. Don't you know that you should never ask such silly questions? ]:)**

 **(1): [SPOILER]: He can't, not really,but this is what fanfic powers are for, no?**


End file.
